Mavis - Still procrastinating

I am still procrastinating. I could blame this on work responsibilities, the dark of the Pacific Northwest winters, my overstretchedness. And these are all factors. But really it is me and my way of doing things. "Fire fighting' and deadlines are my modus operendi.

Today I am working out why I am sabotaging myself. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Of deflated self-worth (if I was worth something I would have been accepted last year - not put on the wait list!). I can use my abstract and adult thinking all I want, but it isn't getting me past the hurt child.

I can say my not being accepted directly into the program was part of the universe's plan for the the very important mental health needs of y children this past year. I was able to give them the greater attention they needed rather than feel torn between a demanding academic program and my kids. It isn't working because down deep I doubt whether my needs and wants are worthy.

So what do I tell the hurt child? Probably the same thing I tell my teens. There is time. Everything doesn't have to happen today in order for you to get to where you want to be. And maybe this is a big part of the problem. I feel as if I don't have time. By the time I am done with the RN I will be well past 50. I am feeling a sense of urgency. And yet I procrastinate! I don't get it.

I know I don't want to be 'rejected' again. I know I don't want to continue working two full time jobs. Yes the money has provided for my family and yes I have had the luxury of yarn stash acquisition this year. But I feel as if I am stagnating. And yet I procrastinate!

I am obviously not going to work this out this minute. Hopefully I've opened a line of thinking for my subconscious to mull over. I do have to go work on a paid project. We do still like to eat and be warm around here. Funny thing, that.

-Mavis